Fast Times in the BAF
The Pepsi Incident
The clear blue skies are crisscrossed with jetwash and the distant sound of fighter aircraft. On the ground half-hidden by sprawling green hills, next to the tropical surf, sits Arden Air Base, well one of many... but for our purposes there is only one. Above we find a simple training exercise gone terribly wrong...
"I am trying, his plane is too fast!"
A pair of Flankers attack a Terminator, but find themselves outmatched. Soon their planes were flaming wrecks and being the finely trained Belkan pilots they were they forgot to radio to base the fact that they had been engaged...
"Idiots... now to drop that nuclear bomb."
A cylindrical like object drops from the Yellow Terminator's wing and plummets to deliver death to the unsuspecting air base below.
Out of nowwhere 8 Sidewinders slam into the Terminator. A slick F-22A Raptor does a Kulbit over its shattered victim as if to add insult to injury. Grabacr 1 talks on the com even though he is now alone in the sky.
"Stupid Gelb 3, killing all the officers in the airforce 'so that they HAVE to make you a General' is not a way to get promoted! And Gelb 3..." not really talking to anyone..."Everyone has to go through me for usage of weapons not on their plane, even if it's imported. I'm the armory and ordinance master."
Grabacr 1 waves the pin of the Hydrogen Warhead as if to drive a point home...once again to no one.
And now we follow the seemingly now-harmless Hydrogen warhead as its in its last seconds before reaching the ground...
Major Jose Mendez was a daring man, yes he was. It had been along monotous day, and goddammit, no regulation was going to keep him from untucking his Class-B uniform during his lunch break! (He had locked the door...) As he now sat in one of Arden's Officer Lounges, he set down his cold drink on the coffee table and turned the dial on the TV from one of Gelb 1's soap operas (He would catch his CO watching them one day! The last time he had been close but Gelb 1 had heard him opening the door and quickly stabbed himself in the eye and claimed he had not been aware what he had been watching. Yeah right!) to a random news network. He was interested how well the latest war was progressing. Just as he was about to kick off his shoes and prepare to fully relax, he hear a rather unusual sound. The cartoonish sound of a falling heavy object.
"That can't be good..."
As if on cue a large metallic cylindrical object crashed through the ceiling. It landed directly on the coffee table, nearly crushing Schwarze 1's legs. The force of the impact knocked Mendez back and sending relling over his couch as it flipped. He quickly recovered but froze, his eyes windening, in horror as he recognized the silver canister's special ID, which was right next to the words "Big Nuke", telling of its nature.
After a few chilling seconds, and Mendez uttering a quick praying asking for deliverance from the sins commited that night in that hotel in Sudentor, he finally scrambled to examine his nightmare incarnate.
His Pepsi had spilled.
He utters a primal, gutteral "NO!" before kicking down the door out and stalking down the hallway to punish the world for his small inconvenience.
In one of the Base's security stations, a MP taps a monitor.
"Hey Reggie, what does this look like to you?"
"This." Tom taps the monitor showing a large cylinder sitting on a collapsed coffee table.
"Why I'd say a Big Nuke, Tom."
Reggie motions to the large bold letters on the cylinder. "Says so right there. Oh my god..."
"Look, a spilled Pepsi!"
Reggie proceeds to sound the Alert. They must begin evacuating the base as soon as possible before it it too late.
Throught out the base, pilots go to their hangers and lockers to prepare to scramble. They soon notice the lack of the 'enemy' and the false Alert but decide to stay up in the air, having barbeques and orgies and whatnot. Nobody really knows what they did for 2 hours ok!
After being threatened to be sprayed them down, and not with hoses, they finally returned to base.
In the A-4 hanger.
The pilots file in, wearing their G-suits, they are all smiles and high fives, going on their 'authorized' joy ride. They don't notice the unsatisfied, disgruntled, and thirsty Jose Mendez step in and close the door to the lockers behind them.
"I want a Pepsi."
They all turn to the source of the voice. Their faces change from one of delight and mischief to understanding and horror.
Jose Mendez had not drunk his Pepsi!
Several screams are heard for the next two minutes.
Jose Mendez, in his feral state, walks out continuing on his march until his thirst is satisfied. And so continued his march of horror, wether dismembering Airman or taking babies' lollypops, he did it all on his uncontrollable and unreasoble 'Pepsi Rage'.
Schwarze 1 was terrorizing one hallway in particular when...
Several guttural screams are heard down the hallways, as base personnel scramble for cover.
"I want a Pepsi."
The young lieutenant is reduced to tears as she cowers in a corner under his shadow. She fumbles with her wallet and tossed many coins at his feet.
"There buy one...just leave me alone!"
Maj. Mendez stoically stares at the young woman. What was her name again? He decides he can't remember and keeps staring. His eyes darkening.
"I want a Pepsi."
Captain Maxey, aka Schnee 1, is seen running down the halls of Arden Air Base clutching a Pepsi, shouting, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mendez, hearing Captain Maxey's scream, immediately turns round and follows it. Finally, having used a Plot Device to locate Captain Maxey, he throws open a set of double doors.
"And, while a Split-S may be an unorthodox decision at this moment....
Captain Maxey has a slightly startled look on his face, as do the half-dozen cadets in the room after seeing a commanding officer in a state of utter rage.
"....Care for some Pepsi, sir?"
Mendez stares at his black salvation. He could see the tantalizing carbon dioxide bubbles from across the room.
He stalked across the room, and snatched it out Cpt. Maxey's hand, screws the open, and chugs it. Letting the heavenly liquid wash over his chasticed mouth. He drank the pepsi, gulping and gulping until it disappeared.
The bottle drooped at his side.
The cadets would later liken his facial expression to that of a mild, well we can't say it, family fanfiction. His eyes slowly regained focus and he stared at his unfamiliar surroundings. The fog of his mind lifting.
"Good work Captain, I have a meeting to get to...I think..."
Mendez does an about phase and exits the classroom, not noticing the blood washed hallways on the way back.
"So, like I was saying, while the split-S was a certainly unorthodox maneuver in this situation, it nonetheless worked. Thus showing that what's theoretically wrong can prove to be practically correct..."
Later Gelb 1, Commanding Officer of the Belkan Air Force (also the same guy who stabbed himself with a fork in the eye), would comment this:
"I am surrounded by Idiots."
Total unadultared BS indeed.
This has been a joint work of Mercenary Pilot, Rapier-3, Cipher of Belka, and muertos13.
So shall I write more slaps to common decensy and writters everywhere?
Edited by Mercenary Pilot, 23 October 2007 - 09:56 PM.