Okay ACS, I know what you're wondering. "How could I possibly be any cooler? I'm the coolest kind of cool! What could you possibly stand to teach me?"
I'mma tell you, but first, you can never be too cool. The very concept of "too cool" is an error in category. And second, being cool is one thing, but to be hella rad? You gotta work for it.
"And you're gonna tell me how to do that?"
Damn straight I am. Let's get to it.
So the first thing you gotta know about being cool is how to shitpost.
"Right on, I'm great at shitposting!"
Nah man, lemmee finish. Lots of people try to shitpost, but don't you know what gets them? They punch down. Punching down isn't just a shitty thing to do, it's also not very funny.
"Oh I know. But look, this guy over here, he's being a total dipshit! It's an open invitation!"
Yoooo, that's exactly what I'm talking about, don't do that. Anyone can point out a barely comprehensible post that's obviously wrong. It's really boring, man. I look at half of the stuff that gets posted here and yawn.
"But...I'm getting likes for it!"
Aww, I know you're a strawman, but really? Think about it, who are you getting those likes from? The other dumbasses on this site? "Wow, three whole people clicked the green arrow, this completely validates my being a shit!" Lame. As. Hell. At least you'd better make sure you're not pissing off more people than you're entertaining.
"Hey, if I'm pissing anyone off, they have it coming. I don't pick on people just to pick on them."
Man, being a tryhard isn't cool. It's inherently uncool. You jump on every single thing, and you look like you got an R-27 up your ass all the time. You gotta pick your fights.
And that actually brings me to my next point. Seal clubbing.
"Fuck seal clubbing."
Yeah, fuck the seal clubbing.
But you know what also sucks? Creating an atmosphere so acerbic that it drives away good people too.
"Buuuuuuulshit KB, if you're not a seal clubber, you've got nothing to worry about."
Yo, I've got a full inbox of messages from people telling me otherwise. You think people are gonna walk in and see us yelling and clawing at each other about some f2p game nobody's ever heard of and say "man, these guys are awesome!"
Nah, they're gonna walk in and say "man, these guys are assholes!"
So tell me, what's the reason why seal clubbing sucks?
"Because it drives off new players. Pound them into the ground enough, and they don't come back. We need them to keep the game alive."
Yeah, and what do you think we're doing by being shits all the time? Making them cookies and milk?
"Look, I'm not gonna be nice to damn seal clubbers!"
You don't have to be happy with them, but if you wanna be cool, damn right you're gonna be nice to them.
"That is the definition of tone policing."
Tone policing applies when it silences marginalized viewpoints and invalidates feelings. Damn straight I'm tone policing you about seal clubbing, that's literally my job as a mod.
I'm just saying, it's not cool yelling at people all the time.
"You expect me to just ignore them?"
Can you change them?
"Maybe, maybe not. But who are you to tell me that I can't yell at people who are obviously wrong and probably stupid? I don't need to be able to change them, I'm inherently justified."
Nah man, you got it all wrong. I don't think you're justified, but I don't even have to go there.
"Are you blind, KB? Of course I'm justified."
Alright, so let's say you're justified. Let's say it's totally chill to yell at people who are wrong and possibly stupid on those grounds alone. And you know what? Doesn't even matter, none of it. You're still doing all the other uncool shit. You're still driving people away, and you're still being a tryhard. Just because you're justified doesn't mean those other things go away.
If I never left a tip, I'd be perfectly justified in doing so insofar as it's permissible and I don't need any other reason, but I'd still be an asshole of colossal proportions.
"You sure are putting me to sleep. There's more conflict in an episode of Arthur than in what you're talking about. Conflict's the only thing keeping ACS alive."
Oh I know ACS will never be a paradise where nobody ever argues or gets assmad. I wouldn't want that, anyway. It'd get boring around here.
What I'm saying is that if you wanna be cool, you've got to play it cool. You've got to think before you post. You've got to not be a tryhard all the time.
Or else I'll probably end up putting you on moderator preview.
"Man, that's not cool."
Yeah, sure sucks, doesn't it? Don't make me do it, then.
"Maybe, but I'm not going to play by your rules."
Do what now?
"You think just because I'm a strawman that I'm gonna end this by meekly agreeing with you? I've got more pride than that."
Hey man, it's all good. Just go about your business, you don't have to say anything The fact that you're a strawman means you inherently agree. Every move you make just goes to serve the overall argument, anyway.
"Fuck you, KB. That wasn't cool at all."
I love you too, strawman〜